All The Things You Leave Behind

Being chronically sick is a purifying fire of sorts. I don't know that we've ever been overly concerned with material things or "keeping up." I think the many years spent in ministry necessitated a lifestyle that was somewhat hand-to-mouth and therefore devoid of the concerns that come with "stuff." 

Of course, over the years, we've also accumulated Stuff, and all that Stuff had to be moved and stored somewhere because of our travelling and the need to fit into a small apartment for the foreseeable future. We got all our Stuff condensed down to fit into the space of a single car garage. Mostly furniture we didn't want to replace, and keepsakes from days gone by. But there's also my 200+ book collection and my 500+ CD collection, and other such things that could be considered frivolities. I may discover in the end that they're just more Stuff that I can do without. 

The things we've left behind are far more intangible than that though. When you're constantly dealing with fear of the ER, fear of new meds, fear for the future, you start to circle the wagons and there's very little that gets pulled into that circle with you. You haven't seen the newest movies. You aren't keeping up with all the TV shows you'd like to watch, and if you watch any at all, it's when they come out on DVD, Netflix, or Hulu, because then you can watch them when you want - you need as much control over your own schedule as possible, and television minus Tivo doesn't conform to that. Speaking of which, you don't see the point in paying for cable anymore, or anything else that many might consider "normal" expenses. You eat out more because everyone's exhausted, one person sick, the other one working. You used to be really conscious of eating healthy food, but find there's not enough time or energy to be fully consumed with that any more. You do the best you can.

You go from the house and van being Clean to being Clean Enough. You pay your taxes at the last minute because it's a distraction from doing more meaningful things. Any extra money goes not towards savings or investments, but toward warding off the most pressing hospital or clinic bill. You cut back everywhere else you can, but keep one or two things in the circle, like the internet and netflix subscriptions. You leave behind movie theaters and DVD/game/CD purchases instead. You buy things used or not at all. You don't care about matching dishes, sheets, curtains, clothes, picture frames...all that Stuff is temporal and a waste of attention that has to be spent just getting through the day. 

You also leave behind a lot of opinions too. I used to think I had everything figured out. There are still concrete things about which I have strong opinions. Things that I know that I know. Public school is training kids for a by-gone era. Van Halen deserves a solid comeback. Dick Cheney is a war criminal. I will argue these things to the death. But I don't know so much anymore about what people should and shouldn't believe, or if it's even any of my business, so long as they're not hurting anyone or breaking the laws we've all agreed on as a society. I don't know what the answers are for the medical industry, the tax laws, the waning interest in the classics. I used to have an opinion on all that. I was a pastor and people expected me to have an opinion on everything from the economy to stem cell research, and I had neither the education or energy to know much about any of it. I did my best. But when you're chronically ill, those things just don't matter anymore. You're more concerned about how much time you spent face to face with your kids today than how much time the public schools are spending on the three R's. Having a family meal together is more important than the fact that you just bought tomatoes shipped all the way from China while your local farmer goes out of business. It's not that you don't care at all, it's just that you only have the energy to care about a few things. The rest you leave behind. And that circle grows tighter the sicker you get. 

I realized we've been living in this ever tightening circle for almost 12 years. There have been moments of reaching out beyond it, trying to be keep up with the lives of friends and family, nieces and nephews, cousins. But the circle is only so big. You stop sending out Christmas cards - 7, 8 years ago? There's no energy left over after all the shopping, cooking, and travelling. Then the cooking has to go. You're only shopping online now, and there is little thoughtfulness to the gifts you give, only the determination to get through the whole season with a few good memories in tact for your kids to enjoy. 

Daily life is the same way. Schedules are at the mercy of nausea and sleeplessness. Circle the wagons - how long can we scrape by on leftovers because cooking is out of the question tonight? Blogging isn't a commitment, it happens when everything is spilling over and you've got to get it out of your head. Television and reading are often escapes rather than pleasures, but you're grateful for the distraction. You still know that they're not really important in the grand scheme. 

Now, all this may sound very dismal, but quite the contrary - it is freeing. I can't remember the last time I fretted over whether or not my toothbrush holder matched the wallpaper, or if the laundry was done exactly right. I'm not stressed about every ding and scratch on the van, just thankful that we have a working vehicle. There is no getting bogged down in the minutiae of consumerism and detail. Everything is big picture, everything rolls out before you in one long, unending line, and if it portends to have no relevance five years from now, it is not worth your time. It's the ultimate Carpe Diem, the seizing of today, the divorce from the tyranny of the urgent. It is terrifying and liberating all at once. I consider myself fortunate to have had such a shift of viewpoint at such a young age, because it has made a tangible difference in the decisions I make on a daily basis for many years now. I wouldn't wish it on anyone else because I also firmly believe that ignorance is bliss. But I also know that I will never be found guilty of taking anything for granted or wasting the day on trivial pursuits. I don't miss much of anything I've left behind.